‘Blank Paper’ Date

As our first date of the new year (2009), Calvin and I went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. Our dates are few and far between because of Cal’s current work schedule, so dining alone was a little piece of heaven in and of itself. The atmosphere was wonderful, the food divine, and the company was perfect.

After our deliciously satisfying meal, we left the restaurant to begin the second, but most important part of our date. It requires blank paper and writing utensils .

I don’t remember the first time we did this. I just remember that it was during a time when life was complicated, overwhelming, disappointing, and frustrating. It was during an era when we were not on the same page as to where we were going as a couple or a family. It seemed we were headed in two very separate directions, and we no longer had a plan or a vision for our little family.

I remember that my sister came over to watch our kids so we could go on a date. Money was tight, and her offer was probably the only way we could be on a date together. We couldn’t afford a movie or other recreation, and I don’t think we even wanted to. We needed to spend some time as a couple alone, reassessing our life together.

We went to a restaurant (one that I had a 2-for-1 coupon to). We had dinner, and then Calvin brought out 2 blank pieces of paper and 2 pens. There we sat, in the corner of the restaurant, each with our own paper. We spent the next 10-15 minutes each writing down our goals and desires. What did we want? Where did we see ourselves in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? What dreams did we have? What did we envision for our family’s future? What elements were lacking in our life and in our family? There are no limitations and no rules in this exercise. Everything goes.

After scribling furiously for awhile, we shared our papers with each other. I don’t remember what we wrote. I just remember that somehow having it all down on paper helped us understand each other, see where we were each coming from and where we wanted to go. Suddenly cloudiness was replaced with clarity. Each time we do this, we realize that we have the same goals, just different ways of getting there. We discovered that the first night and it was very unifying.

From there, we took another blank sheet of paper, and began collectively writing down what our goals were together as a family. Some things were more important to me than to him, and some where more important to him than to me. But by discussing them openly and honestly, we were able to adjust and prioritize our lists together and make plans accordingly. Since then, we have done this several times, posting our ‘results’ where we could see them and be reminded often. It’s amazing that once we are truly unified in our direction together, achieving those goals becomes a reality instead of merely words on a sheet of paper!

This year, we already felt unified in our current direction and plans. Over the years, we’ve learned to practice this technique (thanks to some excellent counseling) on a more day to day basis to maintain unity and consistent direction. What a wonderful feeling it was this year to be able to go take this exercise a step beyond!

It being the new year and all, we decided to take a blank sheet of paper and create our family’s New Year’s Resolutions. We listed several categories we felt were important- spiritual, recreational, financial, health, etc. Then we listed things we felt were important for us in each category. We know all too well that trying to tackle everything on the list is impossible, and that in fact it will destroy the desire to even attempt the New Year’s resolutions. So after looking at each list, we would select a few that were MOST important; things that we thought we could really follow through with as a family. Then we listed specific goals we had for each child, and specific needs we wanted to focus on. Each child is so different and we felt it was important to take a step back and look at how our family is doing individually as well as collectively.

Several years ago I came across Stephen R. Covey’s book called, “The 7 Habits for Highly Effective Families.” On the very first page he says,

“Good families- even great families- are off track 90% of the time! The key is that they have a sense of destination. They know what the ‘track’ looks like. And they keep coming back to it time and time again.”

Later he says, “Hope lies not in the deviations but in the vision, the plan, and the ability to get back on track.”

I don’t know exactly what our future will be, but I know that by meeting often to reassess, we have a much better chance of getting wherever it is we want to go.